Friends and Politics

I spent my five days in Colorado with my best college buddy Jim, and we also spent two days with another college friend Kellee.  Without knowing it, I've learned a lot about leadership from both of them.

In college I was two years ahead of both of them.  Based on personality and age, early on I was more often the leader in my friendship with Jim.  Over the years (exactly half my life I've known him now!) our relationship has morphed in many ways.  We lived thousands of miles away for two years when I moved back to Portland after college; then when he graduated we were apartment-mates for a year before Rose and I married; then we were an hour apart for the next three years when I still lived in Michigan; then three years I was in Philly; and now nine years I've been in Portland.

We've shown over time how a relationship can ebb and flow and change with distance, life stage, and technology.  (When I was in Portland he in Chicago or Rochester, MN, we used to write 8-page handwritten letters about once a week!)  We were each the best man in the other's wedding and have experienced the joy and pain, excitement and sometime frustration of being married to women who are so different from us.  Our firstborn kids were born about a week apart ... but his was very premature and ended up passing.  Zephaniah's birthday is always tinged with a bit of sadness for me for that reason.

Now we have this tradition of being together for the NCAA Tournament.  We've always talked about family, jobs, churches, what we're reading, new and old friends, and many other topics.  But this year, for the first time I can remember, we talked politics quite a bit, too.  And it was enlightening.

Through the Facebook posts and links we choose, we've learned that we are at very different places politically.  I tend to lean fairly heavily Democratic while he is holds pretty strong Republican views.  While I think he's made some mistakes, I still think the world of Obama; Jim is a strong supporter of Sarah Palin.

To be honest, I was a little concerned to broach the political topic during our time.  I know it can be a hot button for a lot of people.  And, probably, I've mentally bought into the press' opinion that Palin supporters won't listen to Obama supporters and vice versa.  I wasn't sure how well we'd do talking about these volatile topics.

You know what?  We did great.  We had a long conversation one evening and the next morning and explored each other's perspective and reason for that perspective.  Why did it work so well ... and why don't so many others have these kinds of conversations?  Let me list a few things I learned about this leadership through this dialogue:

1. At the end of the conversation, neither of us was convinced by the other ... and that wasn't the goal.  Leadership is not simply persuasion -- I'm tempted to say "anyone can persuade."  We didn't pick and choose the facts and opinions we shared, we just talked.  Leadership isn't afraid to put all the facts out there and let people decide for themselves.  Along a similar line, Jim and I are both staunch Christians, and one thing we both stand on in our faith is that Jesus will stand up to scrutiny.  You could put either of us in a room with people of other faiths for a free dialogue, and we would simply state who Jesus is.  We are not his primary defenders, He is, and He can handle it
2. Each of us entered the conversation knowing, in our hearts, that 'our side' had made some mistakes ... and we were willing to admit that to each other.  Too often, it seems, people don't want to admit that they, their opinions, their policies, are imperfect, incomplete, and open to changing.  The pressure to always have the full right answer, in the middle of a constantly changing world, is just foolish.  Leadership isn't afraid to admit that others have valuable insights, too, even - gasp! - those in the other political party
3. When the other opened that door of vulnerability, admitting uncertainty or possible failure, neither of us jumped on it.  If I recognize that I am imperfect, the admission of someone else's imperfection should be treated matter-of-factly, not jumped on or trumpeted.  Leadership gives grace to others to succeed or fail.  We started learning from each other what constitutes a success, and what each party contributes to the national conversation
4. We quickly recognized that part of the problem with the political conversation is that it is often portrayed as dichotomous, as though there were always and ever only two viewpoints on an issue, the Republican and the Democratic.  How foolish!  The first thing you learn in kindergarten is that everyone has their own opinions, their own ways of doing things, and that many of them are valid.  How is it that people in their 20s, 40s, or 70s have forgotten this?  How is it that we've allowed ourselves to be sold this?  Leadership doesn't allow those with a vested interest to limit the parameters of the discussion so that critical perspectives are shut out
5. Perhaps most importantly, we learned that if the discussion centers on an issue, it will divide, but if it starts from a perspective of relationship, it can strengthen us.  Too often conversations focus on our differences of opinion instead of on our mutual desired outcomes.  Jim and I both want the US to get better; we both want the ability to work and provide for our families and have our kids learn at school and to worship freely and ... you know, the basics.  All these political issues just represent different ways to try to accomplish these things.  Leadership focuses its energy on agreement about the ends first, then determining best means.  It's a waste of time, energy, and resources, and a danger to relationship, to focus on the how before we focus on the what and the why

This could keep going, but I'm hopeful this starts a dialogue about, well, how to dialogue.