I've been combing through my old papers and files recently and coming across some real gems. There's a lot of dross in there, too, of course, but it's amazing the things we learn that we forget we learned.
Just now I read this:
"Jesus dared to raise people's expectations, to give them hope. And when he didn't fulfill it, in the way they expected, they were not willing to wait, to give him the benefit of the doubt, even for those two days [between Good Friday and Easter]. That is why they had shouted for him to be crucified.
"Our problem is that we don't want to disappoint people, so we don't raise expectations. We don't give hope for fear of failing them."
That really is pretty profound, isn't it? We all recognize that we fail at times, that none of us can perfectly fulfill anyone else's expectations. So we're left with a choice.
We can, on the one hand, live our lives lowering people's expectations (think Calvin of Calvin & Hobbes here) so we don't disappoint them. That absolves us, so we think, of being the cause of anyone's depression or spite or envy. The problem with this approach, of course, is there is no least common denominator of expectations. You'll have to keep going lower and lower in this cycle, until at some point you become who you have tried to project yourself to be: not worth expecting from.
On the other hand, we can live our lives the way we know we should and take the risk of disappointing people. And we will. But this provides me opportunities, certainly, to engage people in relationship and dialogue about their expectations, and mine, and how those interrelate.
Will there be hurt with this latter approach? You bet. But can I really afford to live my life doing all I can simply to avoid hurt? And if I do, will I ever accomplish anything worth doing?
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Leadership and Garage Sales
Today has been our family's sale (with contributions from a few others). We weren't very prepared for it: we didn't do the go-through-each-room-in-the-house and get-rid-of-everything-we-can routine. Maybe we'll do that next year.
But yesterday my wife and I went through a lot of stuff, and last night I set up, indoor at our church. We were going to do the parking lot and have multiple families participate, but the weather forecast was chancy and we haven't been organized enough lately to really pull the latter together. (I need not point out that after about 11.30 a.m. it's been a beautiful, sunny day, but there is no way I'm moving everything outside.)
Sales like this are interesting. You see a whole different side of people. I often say that I love helping people move, because when you start helping them pack or move or unpack you get to know what they are really like: you see that they have kept their elementary school claywork (which usually can't truthfully be called pottery) or their mug collection from all 50 states or their book and CD collection.
Hosting a sale gives you similar insights. You can watch people's eyes as they scan the mounds of items, looking for just that one item that will jump out at them. For one woman it's a book with buggy frog eyes, for one man it's playing with the toy lawnmower and smiling at the thought of playing with it with his son, for a kid it's grabbing a toy -- any toy -- and loudly proclaiming that she wants it.
I had two favorite customers today, so I'll share briefly about them.
The first was a former coworker of mine. She, her husband, and their two kids drove about 30ish minutes to come visit, with the sale as the excuse. And they found a lot of things they liked, I'm glad to report. But Dannie used something going on in my life as a connection point, a chance to share an experience with me. And next time I go to her house, you better believe I'll be looking to spot the things she and Bryan bought today. :)
The second was a woman who came in with her three daughters, ages 8-14 maybe. They looked around for a bit and didn't seem interested, but then she spotted some picture frames and started sorting through them. Meanwhile her girls had opened one of the games (Whoonu) and were looking it over. "What are you looking at?" she said, somewhat sharply. Then her tone changed. "Oh, look, it's Chutes and Ladders! I used to play that all the time." After she was done shopping, I said, "How would you like to have Chutes and Ladders for free, too?" She and her girls were very excited, and she said thanks several times.
Both these stories illustrate what I think is one of the things that separates good leaders from not-so-good is this individuation: the ability to see each person as a person, and to understand, respect and honor them as an individual. It's too easy -- and never works -- to see any group (employees, team members, family, etc) as monolithic, as the same. Treating people equally does not mean treating people the same: I must adjust the words I use and the feeling I put into those words, the actions I take, to best show I'm on their side, that I am with them.
But yesterday my wife and I went through a lot of stuff, and last night I set up, indoor at our church. We were going to do the parking lot and have multiple families participate, but the weather forecast was chancy and we haven't been organized enough lately to really pull the latter together. (I need not point out that after about 11.30 a.m. it's been a beautiful, sunny day, but there is no way I'm moving everything outside.)
Sales like this are interesting. You see a whole different side of people. I often say that I love helping people move, because when you start helping them pack or move or unpack you get to know what they are really like: you see that they have kept their elementary school claywork (which usually can't truthfully be called pottery) or their mug collection from all 50 states or their book and CD collection.
Hosting a sale gives you similar insights. You can watch people's eyes as they scan the mounds of items, looking for just that one item that will jump out at them. For one woman it's a book with buggy frog eyes, for one man it's playing with the toy lawnmower and smiling at the thought of playing with it with his son, for a kid it's grabbing a toy -- any toy -- and loudly proclaiming that she wants it.
I had two favorite customers today, so I'll share briefly about them.
The first was a former coworker of mine. She, her husband, and their two kids drove about 30ish minutes to come visit, with the sale as the excuse. And they found a lot of things they liked, I'm glad to report. But Dannie used something going on in my life as a connection point, a chance to share an experience with me. And next time I go to her house, you better believe I'll be looking to spot the things she and Bryan bought today. :)
The second was a woman who came in with her three daughters, ages 8-14 maybe. They looked around for a bit and didn't seem interested, but then she spotted some picture frames and started sorting through them. Meanwhile her girls had opened one of the games (Whoonu) and were looking it over. "What are you looking at?" she said, somewhat sharply. Then her tone changed. "Oh, look, it's Chutes and Ladders! I used to play that all the time." After she was done shopping, I said, "How would you like to have Chutes and Ladders for free, too?" She and her girls were very excited, and she said thanks several times.
Both these stories illustrate what I think is one of the things that separates good leaders from not-so-good is this individuation: the ability to see each person as a person, and to understand, respect and honor them as an individual. It's too easy -- and never works -- to see any group (employees, team members, family, etc) as monolithic, as the same. Treating people equally does not mean treating people the same: I must adjust the words I use and the feeling I put into those words, the actions I take, to best show I'm on their side, that I am with them.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Go with the flow
I've just taken a few minutes to read through some blogs that I've fallen behind on reading. Which prompts me to wonder how I can "fall behind" on reading blogs ... never mind.
Of course, that tells you something about me. I am a very list-oriented person. If something doesn't make it on my list, it's very likely to not get done (though of course many things on my list don't get done either; that's a different post).
So yesterday was my wife's birthday. She's very spontaneous. For those into Myers-Briggs, I'm an INTJ and she's an ENFP -- the J(udging) referring to my love of structure (and I'm a very strong J) and her P(erceiving) referring to her love of spontaneity.
So for her birthday I gave her a P gift: I just went along for the ride all day. Literally. We rode Portland's light-rail train from about 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. We went from our home to the central transit station, then transferred to a line that took us to the airport; back on, we went as far east as we could go. Then we got back on and went as far west as we could go.
We got off once to walk through IKEA, getting ideas for the international microenterprise ministry we co-direct, again for lunch at a nice little Thai place (Thai is her favorite ethnic cuisine) on the east end of town, and again at the far western end for a short walk (where we popped into a Mexican grocery and she bought a coffee and a wonderful taco). Then it was back to central station and to pick up our kids.
We both have so many things going on, and I'd been thinking about "what to do" for her birthday ... but it turns out the best thing to do for both of us was just to be spontaneous, to go with the flow.
Maybe we don't need our whole life to be structured, after all. Maybe sometimes leadership is not all about planning but is also sometimes about simply being with others.
Of course, that tells you something about me. I am a very list-oriented person. If something doesn't make it on my list, it's very likely to not get done (though of course many things on my list don't get done either; that's a different post).
So yesterday was my wife's birthday. She's very spontaneous. For those into Myers-Briggs, I'm an INTJ and she's an ENFP -- the J(udging) referring to my love of structure (and I'm a very strong J) and her P(erceiving) referring to her love of spontaneity.
So for her birthday I gave her a P gift: I just went along for the ride all day. Literally. We rode Portland's light-rail train from about 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. We went from our home to the central transit station, then transferred to a line that took us to the airport; back on, we went as far east as we could go. Then we got back on and went as far west as we could go.
We got off once to walk through IKEA, getting ideas for the international microenterprise ministry we co-direct, again for lunch at a nice little Thai place (Thai is her favorite ethnic cuisine) on the east end of town, and again at the far western end for a short walk (where we popped into a Mexican grocery and she bought a coffee and a wonderful taco). Then it was back to central station and to pick up our kids.
We both have so many things going on, and I'd been thinking about "what to do" for her birthday ... but it turns out the best thing to do for both of us was just to be spontaneous, to go with the flow.
Maybe we don't need our whole life to be structured, after all. Maybe sometimes leadership is not all about planning but is also sometimes about simply being with others.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Running and Leadership
I've recently restarted exercising for the first time in years. And while running (a very short distance) this morning several thoughts occurred to me about the similarities between leadership and exercise, more specifically running (but I think they apply to other exercise as well).
Wise runners know that you must prepare for the exercise. Once I got past about 25 years old, I realized I had to start stretching before I ran or I wouldn't be able to run as far, and I would pay for it later. I can't just jump in and start doing but must get ready first. Good leaders also recognize that sufficient preparation enables people and projects to go further and lessen the negative repercussions later.
Wise runners know that you build endurance. When I started running three weeks ago, I didn't run a marathon. Shoot, I didn't even run a mile that first day! Now I'm up to about 2.5 miles, but it's been a slow endurance-building process. Similarly, good leaders recognize that almost anything worth doing, and requiring leadership, takes endurance. You don't ask family members, or new employees, or friends, to run a marathon right out of the gate. You let them get used to an idea, and to doing bits of the work required, before asking them to go 26.2.
This point bears elaboration. So much of our society focuses on people "hitting the ground running" as though there were no learning curve. There is always a learning curve: even if I've done the same task 100 times in other places, or with other people, or at a different time, something is guaranteed to be different when I do it again. New technology, new or changed personalities, my own life experiences, all these things make the way I approach a task different. So instead of using the phrase "hit the ground running" maybe we need to change our terminology to recognize that there will always be a ramp-up time. I think it's fine to delineate which elements are most important to have coming in, but people need to know there is space, and grace, to learn as well. Running is the same way: I need technique, equipment, endurance, speed, strength ... and I need to know which of those are the most important to start exercising.
Wise runners know that you must push yourself beyond what you think you can do. Already I've had many days where I think, "I can't run any further, I'm tired." It probably doesn't help that my runs start by going uphill! But I've set low enough goals for myself here at the beginning that I can encourage myself through the mental barrier. And once I did that a couple of times, now I know I can push myself just a little more. And it doesn't hurt that I know my return run will be downhill! Good leaders also know that people are typically able to do more than they have done before but may just need a little encouragement (the "push"). Good leaders provide the opportunity for people to do something new, or something old in a new way, and empower people by affirming the skills and abilities they have to bring to bear on the task.
Wise runners know that the finish line is never the last finish line. Each day I am glad to get back home, but I know the next day there is another run ahead of me. I enjoy the satisfaction of finishing the day's run but I don't stop there or I lose everything I just worked to gain. Similarly, good leaders help people to celebrate crossing the finish line but also set the stage for the next time. Lessons learned sessions, project debriefings, exit interviews, or the like, help people process what they went through, what they learned and how they can use it in their ongoing lives. This also shows a commitment not just to the task but also to the people, affirming their value as people.
Wise runners know that you must prepare for the exercise. Once I got past about 25 years old, I realized I had to start stretching before I ran or I wouldn't be able to run as far, and I would pay for it later. I can't just jump in and start doing but must get ready first. Good leaders also recognize that sufficient preparation enables people and projects to go further and lessen the negative repercussions later.
Wise runners know that you build endurance. When I started running three weeks ago, I didn't run a marathon. Shoot, I didn't even run a mile that first day! Now I'm up to about 2.5 miles, but it's been a slow endurance-building process. Similarly, good leaders recognize that almost anything worth doing, and requiring leadership, takes endurance. You don't ask family members, or new employees, or friends, to run a marathon right out of the gate. You let them get used to an idea, and to doing bits of the work required, before asking them to go 26.2.
This point bears elaboration. So much of our society focuses on people "hitting the ground running" as though there were no learning curve. There is always a learning curve: even if I've done the same task 100 times in other places, or with other people, or at a different time, something is guaranteed to be different when I do it again. New technology, new or changed personalities, my own life experiences, all these things make the way I approach a task different. So instead of using the phrase "hit the ground running" maybe we need to change our terminology to recognize that there will always be a ramp-up time. I think it's fine to delineate which elements are most important to have coming in, but people need to know there is space, and grace, to learn as well. Running is the same way: I need technique, equipment, endurance, speed, strength ... and I need to know which of those are the most important to start exercising.
Wise runners know that you must push yourself beyond what you think you can do. Already I've had many days where I think, "I can't run any further, I'm tired." It probably doesn't help that my runs start by going uphill! But I've set low enough goals for myself here at the beginning that I can encourage myself through the mental barrier. And once I did that a couple of times, now I know I can push myself just a little more. And it doesn't hurt that I know my return run will be downhill! Good leaders also know that people are typically able to do more than they have done before but may just need a little encouragement (the "push"). Good leaders provide the opportunity for people to do something new, or something old in a new way, and empower people by affirming the skills and abilities they have to bring to bear on the task.
Wise runners know that the finish line is never the last finish line. Each day I am glad to get back home, but I know the next day there is another run ahead of me. I enjoy the satisfaction of finishing the day's run but I don't stop there or I lose everything I just worked to gain. Similarly, good leaders help people to celebrate crossing the finish line but also set the stage for the next time. Lessons learned sessions, project debriefings, exit interviews, or the like, help people process what they went through, what they learned and how they can use it in their ongoing lives. This also shows a commitment not just to the task but also to the people, affirming their value as people.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)